I remeber that day, 

no matter how much I try to foget.
How could I?
Probably only the actual death of my wife or any of my kids,
will surpass the horror and dread I felt that day.

Few will ever experience 
the solitude that engulfed me,
because few people 
ever get that dreaded phone call. 
The call that brings you 
to the brink of madness
No, no one ever wants 
to get that call, 
but I did. I did,  
and it fell upon my soul
like a hammer on a thumb, 
pain exploding
into every corner of my being.

How could anyone 
ever think I was capable of such evil?
How could people, 
who claimed to know me,
believe that I was a threat?

I frequently revisit 
the treachorous steps 
which led me astray?
Probably 
more often than I should,
more often than any sane person should.
It's true! 
There are some doors
which are better kept closed, 
because behind some doors
lies nothing 
but blackness, 
doubt, 
and self-recrimation.

I guess it depends 
on who you ask. 
While my wife thinks
we all paid 
for ignoring her guidance. 
While me. Well,
I'll know one day, 
if my delusion 
of spiritual guidance 
was real.
It might all come down 
to what I believe.
When no proof is available 
within this corpeal existence,
then it all boils down to my faith, 
right?
So, if it is up to me, 
when I'm gone 
I'll kneel before Jesus.
He'll lean forward,  
stroke my cheek,
and wipe away
the pain I've endured.
He'll tell me 
that he is pleased
with my actions,
and I'll collapse
into his forgiving arms,
finally quieting
these demons;
leaving me 
to fade away 
in peace.